Friday, June 13, 2003

Just on the off-chance I'm ever elected King (I'd have to be elected, since I wasn't born into royalty), I've lately started thinking about what my Royal Decrees would be. I'll probably wind up with a bunch of these on a separate page, but since there are only two of them right now, I'll leave them here. I'd be a benevolent dictator, I'm sure.

Since I'd be King, my rulings and decrees would be pretty much on the trivial and inconsequential side. I'll leave the details of enforcement up to my advisors, staff, underlings, and lackeys. I get to make the rules, let someone else figure out how to implement them.

It's good to be the King.

Royal Decree #1 (a.k.a. "The Christmas Decree")
a) No store shall be allowed to display or sell Christmas-related items, nor decorate their store in a Christmas theme, until the weekend just before Thanksgiving.
b) No house/apartment/dwelling of whatever kind shall be allowed to be decorated in a Christmas theme until Thanksgiving Day.
c) All Christmas decorations must be removed by the end of the first weekend following New Year's Day.

I'm really getting pissed off when stores start putting their stuff out for sale before Halloween. I don't care to "get in the Christmas spirit" two frickin' months early. Plus, since I'm Jewish, I don't really get in the Christmas spirit at all, but as the benevolant dictator, I'll keep the peasants happy by allowing them to celebrate. For those who are concerned with the rush and crowds of people that weekend before Christmas, well, tough. If you want to decorate your house early, be prepared to suffer for the privelege.

Royal Decree #2 (a.k.a. "The Pickles and Nuts Decree")
a) Pickles shall henceforth no longer be included as part of a sandwich by default.
b) Nuts shall henceforth no longer be included in any kind of dessert by default, except where clearly labeled.

I dislike pickles. And I hate having to ask them to hold the pickles when I order a burger or sandwich. I'm sure there are more people in this world that don't like pickles than do like them. Why make us suffer? If you like them, ask for them. And as for nuts, whoever thought of including them inside brownies or on top of ice cream, and making that the default, should be shot. Nuts are OK, ice cream and brownies are OK, but nuts in brownies is definitely NOT OK. Exceptions include the clearly labeled Peanut M&Ms, Mr. Goodbar, Hershey's Kisses with Almonds, etc. Mmmm, chocolate.

A cow-orker suggested a third decree be that restaurants which serve sweetened ice tea should also serve unsweetened, since invariably it's too sweet. Since I don't like ice tea to begin with, this does not rank highly enough on my King-o-meter that I'd concern myself with a Royal Decree, but I told him I'd make him the Duke of Ice Tea so he can set the rules.

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